A woman is sitting with a friend at a bar after work, having a couple of drinks and catching up. When her friend goes to the restroom, a man approaches and begins his attempts to interest her. He offers to buy her a drink.  
 
“No, thank you,” she says, gesturing to the half-consumed cosmo on the table. “I already have one.” Not to be dissuaded so easily, he offers a logical response. “I’ll buy you one when you’re finished.”  She rolls her eyes, discouraged that her attempt to rebuff the man failed.
 
Another woman is at the bar, rocking back and forth in her chair, tapping her toe to the music. A man asks her to dance. She also offers a polite rejection. “No, thank you. I’m just waiting for my friend to get back.” “Well, we can dance until she returns,” he says confidently. Another discouraged woman.
 
A third woman at the bar is approached by a man and he asks if he can have her number. “No,” she says. “I have a boyfriend.” Again, the man presses on. “Well he doesn’t have to know about it.”
 
Confounded women have asked me why men persist even after they have been rejected. They have reported to me every way they have tried to gently, and sometimes not-so-gently, tell men they are not interested in their attention. Some of the reasons are:
 

  • I have a boyfriend
  • I’m just out with my girlfriends tonight
  • I already have a drink
  • I can buy my own plane ticket to Paris
  • I hate men and I think Lorena Bobbitt is an inspiration

 
“Why,” they ask, “do all of these things fail?!”
 
The answer is simple. All of those things, and others, have one thing in common: They. Are. Reasons.
 
We can blame men for selfishly pursuing their agenda and perhaps that is a valid point. But it’s not entirely their doing. Men tend to be rather liner and think logically. So when a man floats an idea with a desired result, such as buying a woman a drink or getting her to dance with him, that is his goal. And masculine energy likes goal attainment. If an obstacle is presented, the man sees it as something to overcome. If the obstacle can be overcome, circumvented or otherwise eliminated, he expects the desired result to come to fruition, and even making attaining the goal that much more rewarding.
 
So what is a woman to do? Keep providing reasons until the man gets the hint? No. More reasons are just more things to overcome. And while that might be effective, it isn’t very efficient. A woman is likely to spend far more time doing this than desired. But there is another option: Never give a man a reason.
 
When a man hears the reason, his logical mind sub-consciously thinks that removing the reason will change the outcome. If a woman tells a man the reason she doesn’t want a drink is because she already has one, he will believe that if she didn’t already have one, she would want the drink. The same is true if she tells him she is seeing someone. He figures if she wasn’t seeing someone, subsequently she would give him her number.
 
So if giving a man a reason is the thing NOT to do, what is the think TO do? Three simple words should do the trick: No. Thank. You.
 
If a woman isn’t interested in accepting a drink from a man, she only needs to tell him, “No, thank you.” If she doesn’t want to dance with him, she only needs to say, “No, thank you.” If going to Paris with a total stranger isn’t on her agenda for the night, simply saying, “No, thank you” will likely be enough.
 
I’m not saying this will end the conversation immediately. The man will likely ask why. She should NEVER answer this question because whatever answer she gives is another reason, even if she says, “Because I don’t want to.” Just smile and once again say, “No, thank you.” It may take three or four “No, thank you’s,” but if that is the only thing he’s getting from a woman, he is likely to push on.
 
It’s your kingdom. Make it REIGN.

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About the Author -

Executive coach and motivational speaker Chris M. King facilitates the mind shift necessary for professionals and organizations to achieve authentic success and empowerment. Clients experience productivity increases of up to 40%, freedom from burnout and overwhelm, clarity in times of transition, dramatically improved work/life balance, answers to "what's next," creative solutions for innovation, and an overall increase in satisfaction in career and in life. And he does all of this without ever giving advice! Chris doesn't show them THE way. He guides them in finding THEIR way. An emerging thought leader in the men's movement, Chris also works with professional men and women on accountability, vulnerability, and empowerment. He specifically addresses the issues associated with mid-life crises and Peter Pan Syndrome. He is a volunteer for ManKind Project International, a contributing author to The Good Men Project and Elephant Journal, and is honored to be working with Sam Morris as a contributor to Zen Warrior Training®, helping people achieve self-mastery. Chris is also a coach at Project Bully Buster, coaching teens as they navigate the challenges of adolescence. He is honored to work with and support organizations dedicated to the men’s movement, to women's issues, and, as brother to a special needs sister, the US Special Olympics. Chris is currently working on his first book.

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